I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize