Umm I'm too high to move.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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