So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
