I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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