ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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