I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize