sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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