oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
