Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
