i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
