And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
