he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
