someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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