We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
