i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
