What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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