I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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