I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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