Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
