this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
