He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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