my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize