i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
