FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
