He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
