Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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