um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
