you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
