you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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