I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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