"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
