I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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