I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
