Life is so much better after having sex.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
