Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We need a shit load of segways right now
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
