She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
