Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i out mim tonsoeep
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