Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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