3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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