True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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