Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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