Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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