i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
