Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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