Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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