so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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