I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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