Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
