If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
