Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
