Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
