We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
