if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
