i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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