I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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