My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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