So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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