oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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