I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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