Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
