today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
