Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
