we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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