I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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