The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize