wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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