he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
