Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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