I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
