Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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